Depression.....

My Therapy Session for Myself....today!
Well, I tried to avoid this topic, but I think it's time to share my feelings about Depression. I'm not Depressed, just sad for the situation.

We've been through alot this year, me on the side; Phil dealing directly with the loss of his mom and the descision of closing of the restaurant has certainly taken it's toll on Phil.

As people; some are strong, weak, tolerant, etc., we all deal with depression in so many different ways. When my mom died or when I separated from a 12 1/2 year relationship, (not by choice)I dealt with my depression by becoming a work-a-holic. It didn't change the situation, but it certainly kept me busy and helped to not think about the "situation at hand" at that time in my life. (I was 24 years old when my mom died and 30 years old when I separated.)
I learned how to go through it - (most of the time alone), and I survived. A void with my mom is always present, but, I accpeted that "Death is the price we pay for Living", and we move on.

We don't control when or how we die, or when we are forced to make descisions beyond our control; and probably would choose not to, when it did come time, but, this is the reality of life, isn't it?

In my situation, (it's not about me), but, I have to be careful to not let the "present situation" bring me down. I accept my time at home or in the car in "almost quiet", "none communication". The laughter has limitations and the happiness that once existed has become more forced...
I've learned how to be Extremely Independent and have been through a lot in my 46 years of life. Phil is going through a lot and I have become quiet more than I would like to be, but, when your partner can't talk about his thoughts, you know it's better to be quiet than to pry.

We've been through alot over the many years that we've been together and learned how to be tolerant of each other's moods of sadness, grouchiness, or just our moods on certain days. This time, it's more serious and my approach is to just stay silent, on the side waiting patiently. Talking about the situation isn't an option now. This is the only way, for now, to deal with depression without becoming depressed myself. Afterall, what can be said when the person shuts down, closes himself off and is trying to move on with his life?

We've had happier times in our life, and for now I feel that Our Life is on Hold! We're not doing the things we used to do, nor are we as close as we used to be, when I thought this was the time to rely on each other more closely.... So, I end my Blog Writing today with some definitions of Depression... and what some of my days are like now that I have learned to adjust to yet another uncontrollable situation in my life.....


What Changes Are Noticeable?
Some changes may be subtle but others will more clearly indicate that depression is likely present in your loved one. Energy levels can change a great deal when depression is present. Your loved one may be highly excitable and restless or may be quiet and sluggish. Moods can change quickly, with a 'high' mood of happiness and energy one minute, and a sudden change to a 'low' mood of misery and hopelessness. Your loved one may also feel extremely negative about his or her appearance and worth as a person. It can seem confusing to you when you see a capable and intelligent person but your loved one sees him or herself as useless and unaccomplished. Some of the other symptoms you may initially notice are that your loved one is:
Helping Both of You
Depression can really keep your loved ones from enjoying life to the fullest and they are fortunate to have a person who cares about their well-being. When a loved friend or family member suffers from depression, you can provide support and warmth but don't forget that a loved one's depression can take its toll on you as well. If you find you are having trouble handling your worry and distress over a loved one's behaviour and feelings, then consider joining a support group or talking to a friend or counsellor. It's important to remember that while you're providing care and support for your loved one, you don't want to stop caring for yourself
Depression due to bereavement may occur when grief becomes overwhelming persistent and prevents a person from functioning in a normal capacity. Grief refers to the emotions, thinking patterns and actions that someone exhibits following the loss of a loved one. There is no one way of coping with the death of a loved one and people react to the death of a close friend or family member in different ways. Factors such as the relationship to the deceased as well as your own personality and views on death will all impact how you handle grief. Grief may also worsen during certain times of the year, such as holidays, birthdays or anniversaries, when you are perhaps reminded of the deceased.
Grief Phases
Grief tends to occur in different stages and these involve:
Shock, confusion and disbelief at the news
Acute pain, devastation and sadness as reality hits
Slow resolution and healing
Positive thinking is not something that comes naturally to many people. It involves a certain attitude and mindset that are committed to growth development and successful behaviours.
This type of attitude is one of optimism, rather than pessimism.
A positive way of thinking embraces:
Good health
Happiness
Positive outcomes
Encouragement
Negative thinking devotes itself to:
Defeatist attitudes
Unhappiness
Poor faith
Frustration Over time

It's unbelieveable how many different types, forms of Depression exists in the world....

Another Day with the Kids!

Well, another wonderful day and experience with the kids. We kyakked around the Simpson Bay Lagoon and had a great time. The kids learned about the Mangroves and the life that grows in and around the mangroves. They learned how to kyak which was the first time for all of them. From there, we went to Le Galion Beach and had another BBQ where Phil was already there cooking the chicken. He had set everything up so that when I arrived with the kids, all they had to do was sit and eat. I didn't know that there was paddle boats at Le Galion Beach and the kids wanted to try their "new found water expertice" at paddle boating. I think my love and respect for the water is rubbing off on the kids. They had a wonderful day on the water and they learned more about what St. Maarten/St. Martin has to offer them.




Next month, I plan to take them to Lottery Farm and hike to the top of Pic Paradis. After hiking down, I would like them to experience Fly Zone, where they can fly above and between the tree tops on cable swings.

Registering A Vehicle on the Island,,,ugh!

Okay, here we go with another "saga in the life of Bill on the Island of St. Maarten/St. Martin.

I saw this 1986 Toyota Land Cruiser on the side of the Airport Road for a few months, neglected and in need of some, a few, ALOT of repairs. I spoke to the seller of the truck, a worker at Thrifty who was selling the car for a Medical Student who had gone back to Michigan a year ago, leaving his truck behind to be sold.

My first inquiry; the owner was asking $3000 for the 1986 Land Cruiser. I said, "yeah right, I don't think so." We needed a second vehicle now being that our schedules were different. I wanted a used, fairly good shape vehicle and most of all; RELIABLE! As my search continued for the criteria I was looking for, and seeing what people were selling, I said, "absolutely NOT"! I didn't want a new car or new truck and I didn't want to deal with Dealer Mark-ups! I'm Basic and my life is simple here in St. Maarten and why complicate it with a new vehicle?

I eventually e-mailed the seller directly and made him an offer..."$1200 for the truck as is and I'll take it away." My mechanic test drove it and said the turbo diesel engine was solid as was the rest of the truck and just "minor repairs would get this beast up and running." He was right. A month in the shop and this baby was purring like a little lion cub...

Now the Registering Part: Phil & I wanted to register the truck on the French side. While I was working, Phil was spending his days, yes days, going to the Dutch Police for authorization that the truck "was not stolen and we had bought it legitimately". (first stamp of ownership) Then off to the insurance to prove we went to the police for the legal authorization of ownership. (second stamp of approval) Then off to the French side. Technical control for the inspection, Pass...(third stamp of approval), almost there....right.....! Then the last stop for authorization to get the plates was a stop at one of the Sous Prefet's office for the legality of the vehicle from Dutch side to French side. Well, first day, Phil needed more sigantures. More running around. (not there yet), second day back to the Sous Prefet's office, "no, not acceptable". For some reason, Little Ms. Power Hungry at the Sous Prefet's office didn't believe we aquired this vehicle legally and she wanted to, get this; "meet the previous owner in person to ask him personally if he sold us the vehicle." So, we weren't going to fly Mr. Medical Student back to St. Martin for an interview with Ms. Power Hungry-Prejudice against Boys in Love, so off to the Dutch Side for Registering. First stop, Inspection, then to the Island Receiver's Office for the Official Papers saying I own the vehicle in question and to be assigned the number plates, then back to the inspection station to get the official Inspection Card with the number of the plate on the card, then back to the Island Receiver's Office to get the actual plates.....ugh! **Note: there is about 2 miles with ALOT of traffic between the Island Receiver's Office and the Inspection Center which took almost 2 1/2 hours to finalize the papers of this back and forth, back and forth.

Finally, it's official, I own the truck and driving it legally on the road. Not too bad for a week long project to Register One Vehicle. How I Love St. Maarten/St. Martin.....

Fat is the Topic of the Day...

So, here's a new topic compared to the usual ones I write about. A few nights ago at the restaurant, our cook made some extra food for Phil and me to try. Of course I was the first one to the dish and kitchen window and started eating, not thinking about anything, other than wanting to eat; mostly due to boredom; I guess. Phil was along side of me and made a statement...."what is it with you and food...."? Well, to my surprise, he was right. I have this thing with food where I love to eat, pick and when bored, do more than pick...if you know what I mean. I Love to Eat, Period! As I get older, now 46, I find myself not as active as I use to be and the weight keeps getting the better of me. I've levelled off at 210 pounds, but at 5'10" and 46 years old, it's not muscle anymore by no means. ugh! When I met Phil 12 years ago, I was 31 waste and 170 pounds. Wow, those were the days......ha ha ha "I wonder if I was this weight then and look the way I look now, would I be here with him today"?....right, I don't think so....!

I try walking with music; I get bored after a few days, I ride the bike with music; I get bored again after a few days. I do work for school with a bowl of chips next to me and a coke and guess what; I don't get bored...ha ha ha

I've tried fatreducing pills, fat burners as they call them, but, you have to exercise along with taking these "miracle drugs", all legal of course. I've tried calorie reduction pills, fat reducers where the fat doesn't stay in your body after you eat...blah blah blah, guess what my conclusion is....?"It's all BULLSHIT with a Capitals BS and I'm keeping my weight and the nutrition stores in St. Maarten and the Vitamin Shoppe in America is getting richer and calling me STUPID! "Keep eating you idiot!"

So, after waking up this morning with my back thrown out once more because of a bad movement in bed, because of my weight and not being able to move easily anymore, (and not for fun where at least I could have an excuse the next day and say to myself that "it was worth it to throw my back out", but that's not the case. I threw my back out because I've gained weight over the last year. I lay on the beach and have difficulty getting up off the sand.

So, today I start once again with the wonderful idea of losing weight, watching what I eat; and not watching what I eat as I shovel it in my mouth; I mean REALLY watching what I eat, how I eat and making a very strong attempt to not get bored while exercising. My weight as of today is 210 pounds and my goal is to lose 30 pounds. I'm not sure how long this goal is going to take, but at least now I have a goal. I want to be 180 pounds in the near future. It won't be easy because it means giving up almost everything in every food groups that I enjoy, but, I now realize that my health has to be the priority and I have to stop increasing my pants size and buying new clothes every 6 months.

So, wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

Heritage, Culture, Ancestry...

This week I did lessons on Heritage, Ancestry and Culture. I want the kids to know where they came from and where their own ancestry starts. It isn't easy for them believe it or not. Records lost or just not written down, or just plain carelessness about the future. The kids are fascinated when I tell them about my past; My Heritage, My Ancestry as well as my Culture. On my mom's side of the family which dates back to the 1500's, starting a new life in the "new world" of America, coming originally from England on the Mayflower. I have more records on my mom's side than I have of the side of my dad, whose family originated in Germany.
When I was a child growing up in school, we had a census starting in elementary school once a year, asking if you were white, black, Eskimo or American Indian. My mom always said to be proud of who I was and where I came from so I always checked: American Indian. I am born into the Mohegan Tribe through my mother's side of the family. Growing up was always a learning experience. My grand father was a positive role model for me and how I loved the man that he was. I was even named after him. How He loved animals and nature so much. I believe, that is why I respect nature and animals as I do because of him. My parents would teach us crafts; mostly Indian Lore of bead work, working on a bead loom, leather work, and history. Of course mom taught dad what she had learned from her parents.
Through this we were taught to repect nature, life and the differences of other people and their lives. My great great grandfather's included Uncas, the Indian Chief of the Mohegan Tribe as well as Ulyses S. Grant, President of the United States. Phil and I tried to visit his house located outside of Albany, NY a few years ago, only to learn that a state prison has been built around his house and is only open a few times during the year for visits. Imagine a piece of history sitting in the middle of a prison? Good Planning Again! duh! So through life of tee pees and wig wams and through Indian Reservations, my tribe has successfully reclaimed what is ours and we're

investing in Connecticut on our reservation's property, as well as Pennsylvania. Yes, the tribe owns the Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino in Uncasville, Connecticut, as well as the Pocono Downs Race Track in Pennsylvania. All tribal members which totals approximately 1900 Mohegan Indians benefit from the investments through an agreement with the American Government. So, as American Indians, we've come a long way from Tee Pees, Wig Wams and living off the land. As my mom always said, "Be Proud of who you are and where you came from....." I can proudly say that I am proud to be a "Real" American, I'm proud to be an American Indian. Thanks Mom and Grampa!