I'm Blogging again in the same week. Wow! This time, I write because of dilemmas, possible regrets, once a descision has been made. We try to make our loved ones happy in the process of giving something up, making concessions, as well as "sometimes" leaving others behind and moving on. The old saying goes, "we can choose our friends, but, we can't choose our families." My family isn't perfect by no means and we have certainly pissed each other off, fought, got angry with each other over the years, but, we always manage to move on, forget and most of the time forgive. My problem is a serious one this time...My sister Millie, (left in the picture) my other sister Kathy, (right in the picture) have this "thing" about Phil. They are not sure of him since I met him and believe me, if people in my family were going to judge people, it would be these two. Kathy, on right, is not trustworthy and she has the ability to smile, make believe, and give the impression she likes you, when deep down judgements are racing through her head about you. NOT very nice qualities in a "human being" if I were to judge. Millie on the other hand, on left, let's you know straight up that she doesn't like you or she will do her best to "inconvience you" to the utmost to her potential. She has certainly inconvienced Phil & myself over the 14 years that Phil & I have been together. We had a home next door to Millie in upstate NY when we realized afterwards that we had made a mistake being so close to family. Interference, trouble, name dropping, fighting, dissagreements, sarcasm, inuendos, verbal harassment, usually addressed to Phil never wanting to accept him in my life no matter my happiness with him. (blinded) So, Phil & I made the descision to go back to St. Martin after the 8 month break. Things were never the same between them anymore. So, Phil & I decided years later to buy homes in Florida, away from everybody, mostly my family and mainly my two sisters. We chose Lee County where neither one of us had ever been, never visited, not knowing a single person in this area. We found a small community outside of Ft. Myers where we wouldn't be bothered. However, thanks to people search, my sister Millie, on left, mangaged to find us, our home address, community etc. Guess What....? She bought a home 1 mile away on the golf course. Well, there goes our "safe haven". The thoughts of anticipation of what she is capable of, is already over-whelming. A repeat of upstate New York is the fear more than anything. Our secret garden has been violated which is not a good feeling. The obsession she has to interfere in our life is unbearable! Crazy? Obsessed? Me? I have no idea. So, a descision has to be made. If I talk with her if she comes around, does that violate my love for Phil & does that leave the door open for possible future harassment when Phil is here? or Will she respect our space when we are here together and avoid the house and our time here? or Do I avoid her, tell her to stay away that I want nothing to do with her anymore? My dilemma is that because she is my sister 62, almost 63, do I keep contact with her, keep her in my life and put my foot down that she HAS NO CHOICE, but to STAY AWAY from both of us? Regrets are and will be what they are in the future and we all have them. I explained the situation with my very dear friend and neighbor, Fran here in Florida. She was walking her dog yesterday morning and our morning routine is to drink our coffee on the street every morning while she walks her dog, Amodeus. She was in tears and told me that she would "give her life to have just 5 minutes back with her mom, brother, sister and husband" who all died within the last 3 years. She told me that I was a fool to give family up to avoid having a problem with Phil. She told me that "he needs to adjust, not deal with my family if he doesn't want to and to let me see my family on my terms." So, I'm confronted with a situation that needs to be rectified so nobody will be hurt emotionally, keep the peace in my house and life with Phil, and make sure that I don't say in the future, "what if I had done this differently & how should I have handled this problem?" Our families are what they are, but, Phil is my life and I don't want to hurt anybody......What to do, What to do.....? We can choose our friends, but we can't choose our families! I've been dealing with this for years and I'M TIRED of trying to make everybody happy! I'M TIRED, DAMN IT, I'M TIRED!!!!!!!! Any advise to help me to proceed?
4 comments:
Bill,
This is so close to our lives....you can't choose your families, you're right, but you can choose your happines. What gives you happiness? Your family or Phil? You only get one "go around." What is more important to you, your sister or Phil? We had the same problem with my parents towards Deb. How can your relatives say they love you when the person you love and makes you happy is "shunned." If the shoe was on the other foot with you and Millie.....what would you do? Would you want her to be happy or to please you? You have one life......what and who makes you happy? That's the most important thing. Why do you need their approval.
I would do anything to do it over on how I handled our marriage. My parents never accepted Deb in 30 years and I never took a stand on our marriage. They treated Deb like shit for years and I just wanted to have people get along....which Deb dealt with it because of me......BUT, it has caused alot of pain and "feelings" that we're still dealing with. Now that my Dad is gone, my issues are more that I wasn't honest with him or had the spine to stand up to him and tell him my true feelings. If your sister truly loves you, she will need to RESPECT YOU AND YOUR CHOICE! We remember meeting her in St.Martin.
A true family only wants what's best for each member and what makes them happy......whether it agrees with their beliefs or not......anything less than that, is a sham!
Bill,
This is so close to our lives....you can't choose your families, you're right, but you can choose your happines. What gives you happiness? Your family or Phil? You only get one "go around." What is more important to you, your sister or Phil? We had the same problem with my parents towards Deb. How can your relatives say they love you when the person you love and makes you happy is "shunned." If the shoe was on the other foot with you and Millie.....what would you do? Would you want her to be happy or to please you? You have one life......what and who makes you happy? That's the most important thing. Why do you need their approval.
I would do anything to do it over on how I handled our marriage. My parents never accepted Deb in 30 years and I never took a stand on our marriage. They treated Deb like shit for years and I just wanted to have people get along....which Deb dealt with it because of me......BUT, it has caused alot of pain and "feelings" that we're still dealing with. Now that my Dad is gone, my issues are more that I wasn't honest with him or had the spine to stand up to him and tell him my true feelings. If your sister truly loves you, she will need to RESPECT YOU AND YOUR CHOICE! We remember meeting her in St.Martin.
A true family only wants what's best for each member and what makes them happy......whether it agrees with their beliefs or not......anything less than that, is a sham!
Bill,
Does your sister not have a family of her own? You're an adult and should live your life how you see fit. I would be straight up with her on how you feel. You can do it tactfully. At least you would have said how you really feel. You cannot live your life for other people. You have to do what makes you happy. It sounds like she needs to grow up and quit being so jealous. She either needs to accept the people in your life or don't come around. If she comes to your house, it's either your way or the highway....I know you don't know me from Adam, but people especially adults simply amaze me on how they act. Good luck.....do what makes YOU happy!
Thank you for your support and concerns. My sister and Phil have never had positive feelings or behavior towards one another since we met. She has her own life, but for some reason, she feels it necessary to "butt into my life" and control what I do and I think, she is jealous of Phil? I am the youngest of 6 kids and she thinks she needs to watch out for me. It's strange. The end result, I did speak with her twice while in Florida and within the hour she started speaking bad about Phil and praise my ex. I refused her to enter our home on her insistence and even went to her house to talk. But, I realize that her control issues are ever present and I had to once again decide to remove myself from the situation. I find it difficult to discard family members, but, I also have to protect Phil & myself from her. Thank you again for kind words and friendship and support. Hugs to all, Bill
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