A time to Reminisce

Well, this is the time of year when I, possibly all of us, remember the wonderful years of growing up and lost someone close to us. The holidays have always been special for me because it really is a time to remember what we are fortunate to have; and, I don't mean material things.
My parents Always made Christmas a special time and my mom especially, made this holiday mandatory for all of us to be there as a family. I'm the last of 6 kids; three boys and three girls. The unique thing about my family is this: Even though Christmas was mandatory to be home for the holidays, at no point were we ever in the same house together totally Six Together. Most of us would be there together, 5 minus 1, 4 minus 2 and then one or two would leave and the last one(s) showed up within minutes of the other one leaving. Talk about scheduling. It wasn't intentional, it was just poor timing, My mom never saw her adult kids in the same place together. Strange thing!
The tree was always decorated with Christmas Ornaments handed down from one generation to another. We probably had Christmas Ornaments dating back hundreds of years that were brought with the past generations to America. My moms family originated in England and my dads family originated in Germany.
I remember one strange piece that always hung at the top of the tree. Back in the 40's, (I think), Planters Peanuts for a promotion put small Planters Peanut men in the cans of Peanuts. (the peanut man being one with the top hat and crossed leg standing leaning on a cane) Well, this peanut man was Always the last piece to be put on the tree and always made the tree complete due to tradition. The little peanut man found its place years before because my dad opened a can of peanuts, found the little peanut man inside and didn't want to lose it, so he hung it on the tree and it always found its way to the treee for all of the years that followed.
The house was Always decorated inside and out with garland and lights. At that time people stayed in touch by mailing Christmas Cards through the mail and not the computer. My mom would hang the cards on one wall of the living room by stringing rows of garland the enitre wall height and lay the Christmas cards over the garland for all to see. I remember hundreds of them.
Dinners were celebrated on Christmas Day as well as Christmas Eve. My parents had an open door policy for the holidays for friends and family and the house was always alive. Instead of bringing gifts, friends would bring bottles of alcohol or dishes of food or desserts. Not gifts that costs moneys or has a "price" that represents, "look at my gift, it's worth more than theres!"
Talk about Value and Learning Experience for a child growing up in a wonderful environment such as this! I wonder whatever happened to that little peanut man?
I will always remember the good times and the times that I tested my parents parenting skills and sent them over the edge more than I should have. I cherished both of my parents, but, my mom was my protector even into adulthood. After all, I was the "baby", her baby. My dad was all military and strict as all could be. Small little German, but tough as hell.
My mom died when I was just 24 in 1985. She's been gone 23 years and my dad died a few years ago without the family even knowing that he had died until almost 2 years afterwards because his wife didn't get along with his kids and chose not to inform us when he fell ill. But, this is another story.
Somewhere I feel cheated that I only knew my mom for 24 years, while my brothers and sisters new her for more years. But, through all of this, I became stronger. I don't forget her at all. Her face is imbedded in my mind, her voice is now fading from my memory, the laughter that filled the house while growing up, but, I live with ALL or "most of what I can recall" my memories of my childhood and my years of adulthood while she was here.
If we keep the memories strong, the people we love that are no longer here, stays with us forever.
I'm not a religious person because I am not perfect and I'd be sinning daily and I don't have time to go to confession because it would take too much of the priests time. lol But, I am a Spirtual Person and I honestly care about peoples well being and happiness. I live my life each day to be better than the day before and keep a low profile in life.
This Christmas was spent with Phil's family; lots of champagne, wine, good French food and wonderful French Pastries for dessert. And his sister finally found the words to explain me to people during an introduction, I'm now her Beau Frere, which means brother in law. It took her more than 10 years. But, it's better than a Belle Souer, which would be her sister in law.....lol Happy Holidays to Everyone!

Sleep, Rest and Relax....

Have you ever thought about taking time for yourself? I mean to just be able to STOP everything and say, "HEY, I'M TIRED!" As I continue to add more responsibility to my already hectic schedule, I'm becoming more work-a-holic and less time for me!

At work, I've added 4 more classes to my already busy schedule. WHY?

This is why......!

There are 2 groups of children, approximately 34 students who, since the beginning of the school year has had NO ENGLISH CLASSES due to a teacher who is out on leave. Yes, you read that correctly; NO English Classes at all since the beginning of the year. Three and a half months......

I see these kids sitting around everyday outside of the classes on the benches during their scheduled English Class everyday. I spoke with the Administrator and asked him if I could have permission to fill in my free classes, which would normally be used for prep for my classes. He was "surprised" that one of his teachers would actually ask for more class time and more responsibility. No attempts have been made to replace the teacher because she is one of the "Born Here Teachers" who's job is secured, WITH pay until she decides as to when she wants to return. Teachers are in short supply on St. Maarten, so there isn't anyone to replace her; if they could replace her.

I told him that I would take the 4 classes during my free/prep classes and teach them English.

Well, he said, "yes of course", still confused when he passes my classes and once in a while asks, "How are you holding up?" I tell him, "everything is fine and going well." Which in all honesty IS true. The kids are great and finally working in English. And, I'm meeting another group of kids at the school.

Teachers are asking me each day as to why I would want to add more classes to an already hectic schedule and, that I am just making the administrations job easier.

Well, discreet as I am and professionally as possibly, my resonse is this;

"This isn't about EGO or about making an administrator's job easier or looking for anything in return, it's about the kids that are being neglected in a system bigger than them and ultimately will pay the price of their education from the acts of people who know how to use the sytem to their benefit....."

I won't lie, I'm tired, no, let me rephrase that, I'm totally Fucking Exhausted, running on air, have become a work-a-holic like my previous life in NY.

As you know, I'm taking a French Class on Monday and Wednesday nights in Marigot from 6:30pm-9:00pm. My day starts at 4:15am and I might make it to bed by 11:00pm.

I'm not complaining; I took the responsibility for myself for the benefit of the kids.

The French Class is for me and my own educational and personal benefit.

Phil is busy with getting his life back in order and I might add, he's doing GREAT!

Maybe that's why I'm working harder each day and adding responsibility to my busy schedule.

Our daily lives continue each day to a different beat now. When I am home with Phil, he's in the office and I'm somewhere in another part of the house working or studying a book of some sort either in French or English, in one language or another.....lol (Maybe this is MY Therapy?) I also became a work-a-holic after my mom died to get through the ordeal and I realize now; I see a pattern here! Work, Work, Work!

I'm looking forward to the Christmas Break starting on the 22nd of December for 2 wonderful weeks. I'm looking forard to catching up on some long needed and well deserved REST!

Stay tuned for more of my Life's Saga's.

TOTALLY Unprofessional....!

Well, it's been a while again. Busy with work and helping Phil at the restaurant at night doesn't leave me much time for posting on the Blog. Another new SAGA in my life this past week. I know I mentioned at the beginning of my re-entering the teaching profession that my opinion of the people I work with is a "positive one", and all of the teachers are "professional" and there for the kids. My opnion has changed regarding ONE so-called teacher.
Well, I learned recently that my classroom which is or was a computer lab in the past, CAN and IS Controlled by "another teacher", who is the Computer Teacher and teaches Computer Technician Study & Repair. Apparently, the entire school computer system is ONE Network; including the computers in the Administrator's Office. The Computer Teacher can view anything going on in any parts of the school where there are computers....Imagine that.....! He has a program that can shut down any computer within the Network, View ANY Computer and with the push of his finger, shut the computer down, view ALL Information on the screen, saved material, including outgoing e-mails prior to them being sent. Phil and I checked with a professional computer agency, and they confirmed that "as ONE Network all information is "up for Grabs by the Administrator of the Computers", which in this school, is the Computer Teacher.
I suspected "a Spy" on line when Phil did not receive a few e-mails, the computer arrow "moving by itself" while I was using the computer for school purposes; tests, quizes, prepared notes for the kids etc. I thought I needed a new mouse. Duh! I pulled the main cable going into the little blue box, therefore Stopping Internet Access as well as ALL Access to the class in an "Attempt" to STOP the Spying on my room.
As suspected, he sent students to my class during class time to "check the system", in which they were told to plug the blue cable back into the little blue box, giving him; once again, Access to the Computers in my room. Guess what happened again....? The arrow on my computer started to move "by itself", therefore proving my point that "the Big Bully" WAS indeed watching again.
I had a meeting with the Administrator, who then called a meeting with the NEANDERTHAL, who of course denied doing any wrong-doings. He was told to "STOP" by the Administrator and that "at no point is the room to be watched, internet access denied for any reason etc. etc." The learning of the students took priority to his behavior.
Well, that lasted one day and I haven't had internet access for the class in a week and a half. The arrow continues to search for any movement or information that I might be using the computer for at any given movement.
My question is this: "When does this Neanderthal of an Ass find time to teach the kids if he is obsessed with what I am doing in my class?"
Apparently, he Bullies new Teachers or get this "non island people" and tries to force them out from his "harrassment techniques". Eventually, the new teachers leave and either go to another school or they just resign. Can you Imagine?
I also, learned from other collegues, that as bad as this sounds; People who have a BH Degree, (not my words; these are words from collegues), that people with a BH Degree have "special priveledges", rarely reprimanded, Can take UNLIMITED Sick time and ALOT of things are overlooked. NEVER QUESTIONED. I can't count the days that teachers were out since school started. The worse part is that there are NO substitue teachers availalble to fill in when teachers are absent. The kids are left roaming the property, sitting outside and making noise while classes are going on.
Well, this Computer Neanderthal has a BH Degree. What does this BH Degree mean?
BORN HERE........ Need I say more?
I will not give into this Moron Neanderthal ASS! I will not give up on the kids which is the reason why I went back to teaching. He doesn't realize that he's dealing with a New Yorker!! lol I keep my New York Attitude in it's place, but, when it is necessary to deal with morons like this, I don't need to use my temper or anything else, just my Wit and suvival instincts and stay 20 steps ahead of his noncense. It's sad that the island has POOR ROLE MODELS such as this NEANDERTHAL. But, as a professional, I keep my head up, do my job, and avoid this ASS.
As for the Spying on the computers; I'm working on it............!!!!!!!! lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol

Computers are a wonderful invention and creation as long as they are used in a way that doesn't hurt or diminish the ability of another individual. In this case, he is looking for something that he might be able to use against me for whatever his motive.
As far as I can see; because my life is NOT an OPEN book as so many people have a tendency to do here in St. Maarten; I share ONLY what I CHOOSE to share and everything else is irrelevent!
I'm the "mystery of the school." I go in, do my job, socialize in a professional mater.
People have stopped asking personal questions, people have stopped telling me where they hang out on Friday & Saturday nights, if I would like to join them. I politely say, "I have prior comitments."
So, maybe he feels it necessary to continue to "Probe" and find out anything about my life, so he can report to those still pursuing the "mystery man". I call it DISCRETION!

A "weight" we go....

Okay, I know, I know.....2 weeks without writing. With test preparation, testing week and grading, well, not much time for Blogging. So, tonight as "most" other nights, I began my evening exercises. It's going well, however, age, the love of eating "kind of" slows down the process of "weight control".

Tonight I decided to run and take a break from the bike; Not on the street because I don't pay attention to the cars, trucks, motorcycles because I am too into my Mory Kante' Yekki Yekki music as well as my club music that sets me a running.
Those of you who have read Phil's Blog; you know that we found, or should I say, "she found us", Bobby Lee, the new member of the family, who "just happens" to be in HEAT....... (love those girls) Caramel is a "bit frustrated" to say the least.......
While running in place near the pool in the yard, (not ready to run in the neighborhood just yet!), Le Petit Prince, aka Caramel decided that he was going to smell Bobby Lee's Butt through my legs, remember, I'm LOST in the music. Before I know it, I'm down on the ground, almost in the pool with all family member's stairing down at me with confusion on their faces.

For me, I have know F***king idea what just happened and I go to get up and I find that BOTH calf muscles are pulled or strained or irritated from running and falling. Talk about a workout!

I'm still struggling with losing weight. I'm down, yes down, to 206 from 220 pounds. I found that even though workout shorts are great for walking the dogs on the beach and comfortable around the house, I also find it "not so good to eat" wearing them, because they have a tendency to stretch and you NEVER know when to stop because there is NO top botton to open.....duh! duh! duh! They just keep stretching like surran wrap.
So now, I am walking like I had a "good night out with the boyz" laugh, laugh, and all I did was fall because Caramel had to sniff & lick Bobby Lee's Butt through my legs. The SAGA continues! It's not easy being me!!!! lol lol lol

Stay tuned for more life and crazy things that can only happen to me!

Depression.....

My Therapy Session for Myself....today!
Well, I tried to avoid this topic, but I think it's time to share my feelings about Depression. I'm not Depressed, just sad for the situation.

We've been through alot this year, me on the side; Phil dealing directly with the loss of his mom and the descision of closing of the restaurant has certainly taken it's toll on Phil.

As people; some are strong, weak, tolerant, etc., we all deal with depression in so many different ways. When my mom died or when I separated from a 12 1/2 year relationship, (not by choice)I dealt with my depression by becoming a work-a-holic. It didn't change the situation, but it certainly kept me busy and helped to not think about the "situation at hand" at that time in my life. (I was 24 years old when my mom died and 30 years old when I separated.)
I learned how to go through it - (most of the time alone), and I survived. A void with my mom is always present, but, I accpeted that "Death is the price we pay for Living", and we move on.

We don't control when or how we die, or when we are forced to make descisions beyond our control; and probably would choose not to, when it did come time, but, this is the reality of life, isn't it?

In my situation, (it's not about me), but, I have to be careful to not let the "present situation" bring me down. I accept my time at home or in the car in "almost quiet", "none communication". The laughter has limitations and the happiness that once existed has become more forced...
I've learned how to be Extremely Independent and have been through a lot in my 46 years of life. Phil is going through a lot and I have become quiet more than I would like to be, but, when your partner can't talk about his thoughts, you know it's better to be quiet than to pry.

We've been through alot over the many years that we've been together and learned how to be tolerant of each other's moods of sadness, grouchiness, or just our moods on certain days. This time, it's more serious and my approach is to just stay silent, on the side waiting patiently. Talking about the situation isn't an option now. This is the only way, for now, to deal with depression without becoming depressed myself. Afterall, what can be said when the person shuts down, closes himself off and is trying to move on with his life?

We've had happier times in our life, and for now I feel that Our Life is on Hold! We're not doing the things we used to do, nor are we as close as we used to be, when I thought this was the time to rely on each other more closely.... So, I end my Blog Writing today with some definitions of Depression... and what some of my days are like now that I have learned to adjust to yet another uncontrollable situation in my life.....


What Changes Are Noticeable?
Some changes may be subtle but others will more clearly indicate that depression is likely present in your loved one. Energy levels can change a great deal when depression is present. Your loved one may be highly excitable and restless or may be quiet and sluggish. Moods can change quickly, with a 'high' mood of happiness and energy one minute, and a sudden change to a 'low' mood of misery and hopelessness. Your loved one may also feel extremely negative about his or her appearance and worth as a person. It can seem confusing to you when you see a capable and intelligent person but your loved one sees him or herself as useless and unaccomplished. Some of the other symptoms you may initially notice are that your loved one is:
Helping Both of You
Depression can really keep your loved ones from enjoying life to the fullest and they are fortunate to have a person who cares about their well-being. When a loved friend or family member suffers from depression, you can provide support and warmth but don't forget that a loved one's depression can take its toll on you as well. If you find you are having trouble handling your worry and distress over a loved one's behaviour and feelings, then consider joining a support group or talking to a friend or counsellor. It's important to remember that while you're providing care and support for your loved one, you don't want to stop caring for yourself
Depression due to bereavement may occur when grief becomes overwhelming persistent and prevents a person from functioning in a normal capacity. Grief refers to the emotions, thinking patterns and actions that someone exhibits following the loss of a loved one. There is no one way of coping with the death of a loved one and people react to the death of a close friend or family member in different ways. Factors such as the relationship to the deceased as well as your own personality and views on death will all impact how you handle grief. Grief may also worsen during certain times of the year, such as holidays, birthdays or anniversaries, when you are perhaps reminded of the deceased.
Grief Phases
Grief tends to occur in different stages and these involve:
Shock, confusion and disbelief at the news
Acute pain, devastation and sadness as reality hits
Slow resolution and healing
Positive thinking is not something that comes naturally to many people. It involves a certain attitude and mindset that are committed to growth development and successful behaviours.
This type of attitude is one of optimism, rather than pessimism.
A positive way of thinking embraces:
Good health
Happiness
Positive outcomes
Encouragement
Negative thinking devotes itself to:
Defeatist attitudes
Unhappiness
Poor faith
Frustration Over time

It's unbelieveable how many different types, forms of Depression exists in the world....

Another Day with the Kids!

Well, another wonderful day and experience with the kids. We kyakked around the Simpson Bay Lagoon and had a great time. The kids learned about the Mangroves and the life that grows in and around the mangroves. They learned how to kyak which was the first time for all of them. From there, we went to Le Galion Beach and had another BBQ where Phil was already there cooking the chicken. He had set everything up so that when I arrived with the kids, all they had to do was sit and eat. I didn't know that there was paddle boats at Le Galion Beach and the kids wanted to try their "new found water expertice" at paddle boating. I think my love and respect for the water is rubbing off on the kids. They had a wonderful day on the water and they learned more about what St. Maarten/St. Martin has to offer them.




Next month, I plan to take them to Lottery Farm and hike to the top of Pic Paradis. After hiking down, I would like them to experience Fly Zone, where they can fly above and between the tree tops on cable swings.